Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I have three kids, one of each.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.