With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.