With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.