When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!