When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.