When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!