We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.