We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.