We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."