We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.