We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'