We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I have three kids, one of each.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.