We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."