My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.