My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.