My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.