My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.