My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.