I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!