I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"