I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.