I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.