I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.