I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.