I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.