I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.