I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.