Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.