I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.