I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.