What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.