What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.