What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.