My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!