My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.