My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".