You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'