You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.