You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I have three kids, one of each.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.