You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.