You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'