People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles