People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.