People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.