People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.