People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.