At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.