At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.