At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.