At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.