At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.