I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.