I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.