I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!