Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."