It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.