It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.