I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.