I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.