I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.