I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I don't get no respect

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!