I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.