At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.