At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.