At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.