Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.