Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?