Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!