Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.