My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.