My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!