My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.