My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.