I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.