I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.