I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'