I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.