One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.