One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.