The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'