The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.