The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.