The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.