You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.