I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

They call me Tater Salad

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.