I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.