I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.