I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.