My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.