My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

Being nuts is its own reward.

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.