Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.