The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.