Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.