Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.