I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?