I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'