When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.