I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.