I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.