Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.