Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?