I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.