A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!