It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.