Everybody is talking about the behavior. Behaviors float downstream to us. We need to paddle upstream. The problems that are causing the behaviors, that's what's waiting for us. It's a crucial paradigm shift.

Parents are much more likely to be attuned to what they don't like than they are to the expectations that the kid is having difficulty meeting.

It's a whole lot more productive to be in problem-solving mode than it is to be in behavior modification mode.

For a very long time, people have been saying to me, "What if you want to do this approach with every kid?" For a behaviorally challenging kid, you're parenting this way just to help bring the kid's behavior under control and to greatly reduce conflict. But you want to teach all kids the skills that are on the better side of human nature: empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting other people, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, honesty.

School is very demanding these days.

Being completely in control is a fantasy.

Most parents are accustomed to dealing with problems in the heat of the moment.