College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

I've told so many lies about my age I don't know how old I am myself.

How come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain?

I don't combine proteins and carbohydrates.

I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun.

Mum used to hide love letters from my boyfriends and put me down. Now I understand that she was a Polish immigrant forced to settle in Chicago. She was jealous of the freedom life gave me.

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.