I'm convinced to do improv. All you have to do is listen to what people are saying to you, and then just add more information to what they've just said. That's all there is to improv, but it's the hardest thing to do.

The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!

I cant sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. Im shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.

We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon.

I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.

I look like Walt Disney just threw up.

What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.