"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.

Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.

If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.

Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long.

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.