Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.

Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall?

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.