Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.