I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.