I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.

Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child.