If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.

Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.

I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.

President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.

Fashions come and fashions go, but pockets are usually the same. There's little change in them.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.