There's no thief like a bad movie.

Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.

I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.