The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.

Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.

Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long.